We both decided I should probably lend an ear to some recent Christian rock entries and review them at God, LLC. A music review, I thought—that'll be a first!
Now, to be honest, I started this post a few weeks back, so these remarks are in reference to whatever tripe was being played on Air 1 Radio (90.3 FM) at that time. Luckily, I can count on contemporary Christian music not to evolve too quickly.
Let's start with the website:
The Air 1 website, complete with distressed background effects, is adorned with "trendy" graphics reminiscent of those maybe seen in a Zummiez II clearance bin over a decade ago. And yet, the abundance of Web 2.0 widgets and cyber accoutrements smack of a recent redesign. Indeed, the trifecta of plug-and-play self-promotion (MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter) are all given ample real estate alongside YouTube, Flickr, and iPhone App links. But wait, here's something—a GIVE NOW link! (I'm seriously considering this for GOD, LLC).
To the right of these links, and in accordance with web geometry, the featured band, MIKESCHAIR, appears in their press photo to be a little more aware of the times. As for their music, I regret to say it bodes horribly. It's like a bad parody of a Christian rock band, but then again, that's the essential quality that seems to give an otherwise ragtag genre it's unity.
As feeble as MIKESCHAIR is however, at least they have the good sense to "play it safe." For it's when these groups undertake experiment that ears and sensibilities truly suffer.
Take the band Skillet, for example. Their song "Savior" features guitars so processed that it sounds like bricks being stacked to reconstruct various Godsmack rhythms. Sure, that may be a subjective quip, but with verse lyrics like "It's time to re-decide your deophobic mind", it's tough to favor any aspect of their music.
But I've digressed; I wasn't finished describing the website.
Another feature of the Air 1 homepage is the "Tell Us Your Story" section, where listeners are meant to share how it was they came to accept Jesus as Lord:
"I was stressed out about college. The day before i prayed i was almost in a 'panic attack' and i felt like i couldn't get things done. Later that night I prayed and asked if God would meet me half..."
This is where I forwent the opportunity to "read more."
Instead, I directed my attention to a section advertising "THE REVOLUTION!" with subsequent links like "support THE REVOLUTION!", "need prayer?", and "chat with a spiritual coach". I soon learned that Air 1 is "a non-denominational, non-profit, listener supported radio network" that believes that "there is a resurrection of both the saved and the lost—the saved to eternal life in heaven, the lost to hell." Does this not land one in a particular denomination? or would I be laughed out of Sunday school?
Also, how many spurious translations does it take to get to the tootsie-roll center of a verse like this:
"The Great Commission of the church is to go into the entire world and preach the Gospel to every person, using every modern means of communication available to us." (Mark 16:15, Luke 14:23, Matt 28:19-20, Acts 1:7-8, Mark 16:15-16)
I don't know either, but it explains the Twitter feed.
Oh, the music! I must be subconsciously avoiding it...
What is it about Christian rock that can be so grotesque? What it is about it that makes my skin literally want to crawl off my back, literally! For one, it's weird to hear all the novel sounds of popular secular music, including it's often palpable sexual verve, re-appropriated for the purpose of worship. You end up, on occasion, with a male crooner who, in serenading Jesus with a love song, is at the same time trying to sound sexy, a la Gavine Rossdale's, "Glycerine." Something about that doesn't sit quite right.
Or take Jeremy Camp for example; Christian music's answer to Nickel Back (not that the world was in need of such an answer). Sure, he may look like a vacant-eyed amalgam of every men's hair model I ever saw in one of those glossy hair-style guides at Super Cuts, but does that mean his music sucks? Probably — Apparently — Yes — yes it does. In fact, there seems to be a very concrete connection between his particular hairdo/soul-patch combo and the production of real sucky music. Suffice it to say, big guitars pounding out Nu-Rock rhythms alongside horrendously pouty vocals, atop the least inspired drum performance I've ever heard, does not for a good song make.
As I'm writing this I'm starting to feel bad. It's like making fun of retarded people or something. Even though I was raised in a more or less secular household, my mom use to say, "If not but for the grace of God, there go I." This is of course something you say in reference to the less fortunate, but it has a unique resonance with me. I prefer to substitute the word "God" with something like "chance" or "experience," transforming the sentence into an acknowledgment of the fact that we are all a product of our environment—something that, in many cases, we have little control over.
With this in mind, it's tough to be too hard on anybody, even Christian rockers. But for the sake of finishing what's been started, I shall continue down this path of malice as it's coming all-too-naturally, I'm afraid.
First, however, I'll pay a compliment to Christian rockers. That being, they really can sing! I know, I know, they all sang in church—but they know how to harmonize, they can create very rich harmony. It's just too bad that they use these talents to reproduce Blink 182 choruses with a decade's latency (listen to Reliant K's, "The Best Thing" for proof). In fact, that's the one thing that is so excruciatingly apparent if ever you tune in to one of these stations; not only is everything so unbelievably rehashed, but it's all from a recently bygone era. This tendancy has left me convinced that, in some cosmic dualism, every successful secular act born into the sphere, has it's own less compelling, less artistic, suckier, latent Christian counterpart. Thankfully we all have a choice between raw cane sugar, and Christian Splenda®.
But how to account for this lack of artistry?
Dave Bazan, a vaguely Christian artist who's music I love, may have some insight in this direction. Here's a line from his song, "Selling Advertising":
I know it's hard to be original
In fact nothing scares me more
Because Jesus only let's me do
What has been done before
(Having reminded myself of Dave Bazan, I want to make a distinction between legitimate artists who are also Christians [I've known at least one of these] and the popular Christian artists that I'm doing an amazing job of stereotyping!)
That said, I think there's something to this Dave Bazan line. After all, Christianity demands selflessness and service to others. This is God's will. Your work, as a Christian, is assigned to you from-on-high, and futzing around with your guitar in your bedroom, trying to figure out original chords, much less how you're going to become an individual, has got little to do with it. Unless, of course, you're not working in vain, i.e., your planning to better spread the gospel!
The painful consequence of this, however, is the utter singularity of song meaning on stations like Air 1. Not only is every last song about a love affair with God, but there's so little variance to the manner in which the topic of God is approached that it takes listening to about three songs to realize the formula. After that, you'll be able to anticipate the ends to all the lines in whatever song is on deck, or at least write your own. It's kinda fun actually! Careful though, this may do ir-reperrable damage to your psyche.
Tune in! >> http://www.air1.com/
